10 flights, no one to say goodbye

10 flights. I’m on a trip and this is my 8^th flight. 2 more to go. And 12 cities in 6 countries on three continents. I’ve been traveling intensely for the past three weeks. And it took me 8 flights, to finally write this. I’ve always known this. But ignored it. I thought it’s okay. I thought the time will come. I thought and thought. But it is still the same. And it has been like this for so long that somewhere my conscious has accepted this. Accepted the story that my heart keeps telling me. That I’m alone. I feel alone. Not in a literal way, but in an emotional way. In a way that I can understand it but cannot explain it. In a way that I can feel it, but cannot express it. And this scares me. The fact that sometimes my heart accepts that I am alone, it scares me. It takes away my hopes. And hopes are really important to me. Because I’ve always been a loner. Never really part of a group. I’ve had friends but never really for lifetime. I’ve always been on my own, in my own way.

I see people. I see the love around. And airports are the best place to feel it. You see people hugging their loved ones. I walk through the terminal gate and see a couple kissing each other goodbye. And I ask myself, “why is there no one to say goodbye to me?”. I see people walking to the boarding gate holding hands and think to myself, “why am I walking alone?”. It kills me. But what do I do? Who do I tell this to? So I walk alone and go to my seat. Maybe that’s why I always take the window seat. At least I have the sky and the clouds to accompany me on my journeys.

I have been in love. And it was beautiful. But maybe just bad timing. Heartbreaks and heart breakings. Been through all of that. But where’s the real thing. The thing where you have someone. Beyond a girlfriend or a relationship. Being a partner in life. People who live together with their first love are the ones I pity. They haven’t experienced heartbreak. Or maybe they have and chose to stay with it.

Loving, losing and moving on. That is something. And that is something I’ve been through more than once. Now I want something real. But even though I feel the need to want something real, somewhere in my heart, it feels a little different. It feels like I should have the exact opposite of real. Something casual and limited. And then move on to the next. There have been chapters in my life. Where is the book?

This conflict between the heart and the head is what keeps me at the same place. I cannot move ahead and I cannot go back. I haven’t had a satisfying relationship, ever. The first one, the best and the worst. Because it teaches you love and also hate and jealousy. And you experience heartbreak for the first time. Heartbreak, is the opposite of virginity. You cannot lose virginity again, but you can experience heartbreak again and again, until you decide that’s it. Until you give yourself a chance, and not others. Until you decide to be happy, even if that means being alone. Until you accept that you’re as important to your happiness as the person you seek. The second relationship was complicated. It lasted longer but died a long waiting death where the love slowly and gradually emptied itself from our hearts and there was nothing left to feel for each other. The third one was a rebound from the last two. I just wanted to be in a relationship. I was desperate to be with someone. And I mistook that feeling for a person. This is where I was on the other end of the stick. I was the heart breaker. And I’m not sure if I can ever forget that. I’m not proud of it. I am ashamed of myself. Maybe time will take it away. This one was the truest relationship. Two mature and understanding people being together. Handling situations together. But when the desperation of being with someone is gone, you realize the love is gone too. It’s a difficult fact. Nevertheless, one has to accept it.

Back to the flights and my trip. Traveling alone. Meeting new people. And trying to find love. Whenever I meet someone, I feel this is it. Anybody who shows the slightest of openness towards me, I start feeling this is it. Because I haven’t been loved a lot, and I crave that affection. Maybe also because I need that something real I talked about earlier. Maybe I am a good person, a loving person, but I am not able to show it to others. First impressions are not the last impressions. I cannot show my complete true self during the first chat. I need time, I need a chance at my own pace to show the person I truly am. And I am afraid that people will judge me by the first impression of me. And I’m afraid that they won’t see my true self, and they won’t love me. And I’ll be alone forever.

So I write. It makes me feel better. To get my feelings out on the paper or write them on my laptop. It releases some tension. Never completely, but a little. And I keep hoping. Hoping that someday I will be at the place where I’ve always wanted to be. Hoping that someday I will have someone and be content with it. Hoping that someday I will have someone who will appreciate me and appreciate the way I appreciate her. I am crazy in my own way. And I hope she understands it. And I hope that I don’t always have the sky and the clouds to accompany me on flights, but someone by my side who will hold my hand as we board the plane, who will kiss me goodbye and shed a tear when I go away for work, who will hug me when I return and who will be happy and content with me.

There must be a world where I have her. Where my heart beats faster every time she hugs me. Where the sun rises from her eyes and the moon shines in her face. I don’t know where this world is. I don’t know if it even exists. A world where I feel happy. A world where I don’t have enough reasons to be sad. A world where my life is not so upset with me.

And when I find that world and when I find her, I will make ends meets for her, I will give my everything and more to make her happy. Because I know how it feels being discontent, being unhappy, being hollow. I will do all I can.

Maybe you don’t need just love. You need companionship. You need friendship. You just need a person to walk with you. And that’s enough to take that hollow feeling away. To take the emptiness away. And I will not give up on that dream. I will keep hoping. And I will keep looking. I will.

New Goodbyes, Same Pain

The day was free and as blank as a canvas on the first day. I woke up around 9 am and took a long shower. I hadn't had a free day in the last two weeks since I left Canada for this trip.

Being busy is good. Especially when you’re traveling solo. Having nothing to do makes me realize the loneliness that fills my heart very easily. That I’m alone on this journey. That I’m a long long way from home. And that can make me a bit sad. But the day was about to change and things were going to take an upward turn. I spent the morning having the big breakfast at the hotel restaurant. I came back to my room and turned on the television as well as my laptop. For the next 3 hours I browsed through my photos of this trip so far and some assignment work. Time moves slowly when you don't have anything to do. I checked my social media notifications, posted some photos on Instagram and went through my Twitter timeline. The time still passed like Pluto orbiting the sun, very slowly.

Then a notification popped on my phone. Swipe and find your match. Tinder called me. As I had almost nothing else to do, I opened tinder and started sorting the profiles. Immediately ‘you’ve got a match!’ message popped up. I opened her page and saw the photos. All of her photos were in veil. And she had a minimalist bio. Nevertheless I messaged her. She replied within seconds. I’m very impressed by people who respond immediately and not take 200 years to say hello back. Things had started off well. Sue, her tinder name and Salma, her real name. After the customary greetings, I told her its my last day in Egypt and if she’s interested in meeting me. Her response was positive. And I couldn’t be happier. Finally I was going meet a person other than my drivers and guides in Egypt. After a lot of discussion, we finally decided that she will visit me near my hotel. I packed my stuff and kept my baggage ready to go for the flight in the next few hours. And then I waited.

Come out I’m here, she messaged. I got out of the hotel and started walking to the place where she was waiting. I couldn't find the place and it took me about 30 minutes to reach there. I asked three different people for their phones to call her and keep in touch as I didn’t have a local phone. One of them even got a taxi (or bus, I'm not sure what to call that vehicle) for me and paid for it. Egyptian people are really nice. Finally I reached ‘Gaad restaurant’, the place we decided to meet.

I had seen her photos in veil. But her message earlier said she is wearing red trousers and black top and that she has blue hair. I stood at the entrance of the restaurant. After a minute or so, I saw a western looking girl walking towards me. I had a feeling that its her but I didn't say or sign anything. Thanks to my introvert personality. ‘Jatin’? she asked. ‘Yes’, I said. And we finally met.

This girl looked completely different than her pictures. More beautiful and bold. She didn't look Arabic, but a west coast girl with her black top and blue hair. Like a rebel.

‘My friends are waiting in car and we will go to eat and get some drinks and then we will drop you off at your hotel’, she said to me as we walked to the car. ‘Okay?’, she asked. I said yeah sure.

I got in to the car and her two friends greeted me. We went off to find a place to eat and chill. She and I started talking in the back seat as her friend drove the car and his fiance sat shotgun. I had just gotten in to a car with strangers going to a place I didn't know and in a city I don’t know much about. I was a bit scared but something told me its alright. They were nice people. We went to the couple’s place where they had some business to take care of. Me and Salma went to the coffee place next to their place and waited for them.

So tell me about your life, about yourself. She had so many questions. And being an introvert, I didn't know how to explain her my personality. Nevertheless she made me comfortable and the conversation started flowing like the Nile, smooth and upwards! We spoke about our lives, relationships, studies and much more as she puffed off her cigarettes. ‘I’m in my last semester of dentistry’, she said. To which I responded with appreciation in my reply. She didn't want to be a doctor but her mom wanted her to be. So she did it for her. Indian and Egyptian parenting isn’t too different, I must say.

Her friends came back. The conversations continued as we smoked sheesha. Three hours went by. And the time was now passing faster, like Buggati Veyron completing a lap.

After some time, at around 11.30 pm we left from the place to go back. We visited the couple’s home. He is an architect and she’s a scientist working around drugs, legal ones!

We took photos as I said goodbye to these wonderful people. They truly made my day. It couldn’t have been better. I hugged her for the first and last time. I didn't hug her when we saw each other for the first time because I wasn’t sure if that was socially acceptable. But it was midnight and there was no one on the street. I shook hands with her friends and wished them well. They told me that they were so glad to meet me. And the feeling was mutual. As I hugged Salma, I felt something. A feeling that this is the last time I’m seeing her for a long time. Lord knows the next time we see each other. But I hope we do, soon.

There was something between us. We struck the chord. I’m not saying it’s something special. But it’s something. It’s not a blank slate. As I left for the airport to take my flight out of Egypt and saying my final goodbye to this amazing country, I couldn’t help but think about these people I had just met, especially her. As I proceeded to my boarding gate, my heart sunk at every step I walked that took me away from Cairo. Misr kept a piece of my heart and I happily left that piece there, for I know that whenever I visit Egypt again, I will have friends there. And I wont be alone. New people, new goodbyes, but the pain of these new goodbyes doesn't feel different. It feels the same, agonizing and gnawing.

Depression and anxiety

There are some things that you can't talk about and that you can't explain. People wont understand. You feel that. But mostly, people who don’t have it, wont get it. Depression and anxiety. I feel I belong with these, even though they are not good. I have lived my life with these and now it feels like it is a part of me, a part of who I am. And without it, I cant imagine a life. I can never talk about it to anyone. But I want people to understand. Not people, but a few people who are very close to me. And what happens when even the people close to you don’t understand? You get more depressed. There is nothing in the world that can heal the feeling, that can make it better. I cant hate the person but I will never forgive and forget what that person did. It is not that person’s fault, but that person should have thought about it before doing it. It is irreparable. And that’s what hurts more. Nothing can make me feel the way I used to feel before. Everything has changed.

I feel hollow and empty. I want to be away from everyone. Be alone. No questions asked or answered. But the hard part is – I want to answer the questions, but I cant. I want to forget it, but I cant. I want things to get better, but I cant. There are so many things burdening me. But this one thing will always carry the most weight. And it will weigh me down every second of my life. I feel violated and traumatized. I want that thing, but I cant. What do you do then? You keep it to yourself because you're convinced no one would understand. And you're right most of the times. You keep it all in and it gets heavier every second every day. But you suffer and you suffer in silence. Maybe that's the only way to live. You hurt yourself by not letting anyone help you. You keep doing it. And you don't even hope that things would get better.

Marriages in India

Even in today's world, people think of others when it comes to marriage of their children or relatives. What other people will think is more important than where the happiness of the couple lies. People will call us names if you marry that guy, people will make fun of you if you marry that girl. These are the sort of things my generation hears from their parents – sad reality. We are in the 21^st century for Christ's sake. Every other page on the internet has photos and quotes about how you should love yourself, how you should do what makes you happy, but all of that is just first class bullshit. Who follows that anyway? I want to marry a girl who doesn’t have the same social position as me, but I cant. Why? – Because people will call me names. I want to marry a guy who is not an engineer, but I cant. Why? – Because there are other guys who have an engineering degree ready to marry you, then why would you marry someone who isn’t an engineer?

When will we leave these old thinking behind and truly live in the 21st century?

The Dublin Connection

I woke up at 7.30 am. The alarm was supposed to go off at 8.45 am. But I couldn’t wait till then. I woke up about 5 times in sleep. Maybe I didn’t want the morning to arrive. I wasn’t fascinated by Dublin earlier. But on the day of leaving, I realized there was some affection that grew for the city. I now love Dublin, even though it isn’t mine, the way something has to be, a street, a house, something that belongs to me because I belong to it.

I couldn’t sleep, so I woke up. Time was passing even though I wanted it to stop. I took a shower, for 45 mins, thinking about life. I got ready and went to the café downstairs to have my last breakfast in Dublin. I packed my bags, put on my jacket and stood near the door. But I didn’t want to leave. I stared at the door for about 5 seconds before stepping out.

Why was this happening? Two days ago I was thinking of leaving early, but today, I feel I should stay more. Maybe because I am alone. Ive been traveling alone for about two weeks now and whenever I have to leave a city for another, I get this exact feeling. A feeling of hollowness, sadness. But for Dublin, it just wasn’t this. It was for her, too. Id like to refer to her as a friend (now that we’ve had coffee and a nice conversation). We studied together in high school. But never spoke. We never interacted on social media too (I know that’s hard to believe). And we met each other after 9 years, better to say, we saw each other after 9 years. Long story short, we met up for a cup of coffee. I’ll write the detailed story later.

It’s awkward when two people who haven’t spoken to each other ever, meet for the first time. But not here. We were pretty comfortable. Although I was a bit nervous. I’m like that. Id get nervous even if I am meeting someone for second or third time. Maybe the pre meeting Facebook chat helped to reduce the awkwardness. We decided to meet at the Spire. It is an iconic structure in the city of Dublin. A high pole, nothing else. But its iconic. We both reached there at 5 pm. As I crossed the street to stand under the Spire, I saw her walking. 

Earphones tucked in and a bag on the shoulder.

Hey, I walked up to her and said.

She looked towards me and smiled. Hey, she replied. She put out her hand to shake mine. My hands were buried in the pockets of my jacket. Took me about 2 seconds to get them out. I finally shook her hands.

Not much eye contact. Maybe the nervousness torrents in me were acting up.

Kuthe jauya apan? I asked her. I spoke in Marathi. I don’t know why but I did. We were in a foreign country, and I guess it made a certain connection, to talk in our mother tongue.

O’briens, ithe javalach ahe, she said leading the way.

We walked to the café and got our drinks. She didn’t let me pay. I wanted to, but she didn’t let me. We took seats. And the conversation started. We spoke about high school, jobs, Ireland, India, family etc. Time was flying. We also discussed about writing. I had told her about my blog and books and she wanted to see a few pieces. Apparently, she liked reading my blog.

Kaahik sentences like “she hit the reset button” mala avadle, she said as she kept reading.

I just smiled to myself.

I looked at her. Her eyes – gray and sharp. They could kill. Her long and lovely face complimented her height. Her name, Surashree, which means divine beauty, couldn’t have been more apt. She did make me nostalgic a bit. I mean it was 9 years back when I had last seen her.  And that was in high school. So, the only memory I had of her was high school.

We had our coffee and talked more. I hardly speak to anyone so openly. And whoever opens up to me, I automatically feel connected towards them. We sat there till the shopping centre janitor came to us and told that they are closing. It was 7 pm! In Mumbai, we start things at 7 pm. Dublin, what a pity!

So, we packed and left the shopping centre. I wanted to buy some chocolates. So she suggested a visit to Lidl. We headed towards Lidl, which was just a 5 minute walk. There weren’t much options there, so I just picked up 2 packs of whiskey chocolates. It was now time to say goodbye. We walked out of the store, looked at each other and said “Nice to meet you”.

Let me take a photo, I said. And I clicked a pic of us.

Selfie mazya phone madhe ghete, she said and took out her phone. I was looking at the screen instead of looking at the camera.

Camera kade bagh, she directed me. I did.

She took a few pics.

You have to go this way, she directed me toward my hostel. We shook hands and hugged.

Goodbye and good luck with your job search, I said.

Thanks, she replied. Keep in touch.

We walked in opposite directions.

As I walked back to my hostel, I thought of the 9 years. We studied together, but never spoke. We both lived in Pune at one of time, but never met. We met here in Ireland, thousands of miles away from home. It was funny, but I was glad we met. And I hoped she was too.

During this trip, I am away from my family and friends. Sometimes I feel alone. Mostly when I am not around people. I felt this in Dublin. But she changed it. Dublin was just a city for me. But now, it’s a place where Surashree lives. Talking about high school, jobs and some common situations we both faced, helped us to relate to each other. She understood my position because she was going through similar circumstances.

We think we could be happy alone. But out heart constantly craves for attention. I always though I’d be better off alone. But whenever someone shows tiniest but of affection towards me, I feel connected. After traveling for so long alone, this was the moment. I realized, the reason I didn’t want to leave Dublin was this. In a foreign country with no known people, I met her. That connection eventually made me realize why I felt connected to Dublin.

Not everything is in our hands. So, I headed out from my hostel and towards the airport. I walked past security without a problem. I don’t know why but I always feel I will be questioned. I waited at the departure gate to board my flight. I bought orange juice, I just can’t resist orange juice. I love it.

As the plane pushed back, I suddenly touched reality. I was leaving Dublin. And I had no idea if I would ever come back. The city was going away and I couldn’t hold on to it. Maybe that’s what life is. You have something. But when its time, you have to let go of it. I didn’t want to let go, but I had no option really. As my plane pushed away from the surface, the city started disappearing under the white Irish clouds. I could feel heaviness in my heart. I felt hollow and heavy at the same time. The land below me disappeared as I searched for last glimpse of the city. Eventually, I was above a thick layer of clouds. That was it. I had left Dublin behind. But it will have a special place in my heart. Dublin – the city of Liffey, the city of Guinness & the city of Surashree.

Coming back after two years

My last post was in April 2014 I think. That's 2 years back. But I am back here writing a post. There's only one reason why I would start writing (after a big break) - love. Lot of things happened between my last post and today. A lot of things.

I read a lot of books. That's why I couldn't write much. I fell in love, again. And this time, hard. And today, as I'm writing this post, I can feel all of the world's emotions and hollow at the same time. I have become silent. I was always silent, but now more than ever. I hardly talk to anyone. Not even my parents. I'm out of home most of the time. I leave home at 7 and return at 10 at night. By the time I come back home, I am emotionally and physically drained and tired to talk to anyone. Emotions in me have started dying slowly each day. Slowly and slowly, I feel less emotions every day. And I'm not complaining.

So coming back to the reason I'm writing this post. She's like sunshine. I love her, a lot. And today, we are on the verge of a break up. We have said some things to each other - hurtful I guess. And we are both offended. I am sorry for this and I feel very bad. She's offended, and hurt. And I'm the reason for this. I never wanted to be the reason for her pain. She said she doesn't want to talk to me. And wont even meet me. I don't know what to do. I apologized. But she's too hurt to listen. I feel like a part of me is paralyzed. I have been feeling low past few days, but now more than ever. I feel hollow. I don't want to live without her. I love her so much. I need her. I know these the most cliché things to say, but I don't know what else to say. I hope she accepts my apology.

It all started a few months ago. I saw her for the first time and she walked right past me like I am crowd and she's a skyscraper. Her eyes scanning the crowd and coming on to me. I cant forget the moment where our eyes found each other and then disappeared in to the crowd again.

She looks both ways before gently whispering I love you to me under her breath. And when she hugs me, her eyes scan the empty room as if the walls have eyes and the ears and mouth could give me away.

When I'm curled up in her arms with mismatched breaths, I wonder how can someone who carries a mountain on his shoulders could crumble so easily in her arms.

During dark, she'll run her fingers over my fingers like she's trying to read words carved on my skin.

I'll stare God right in the eye and tell him that if loving her was a sin then I want no place in heaven with Him because the way her lips fit perfectly on mine and the way her fingers fit perfectly in mine is a type of paradise I'll never forget.











 

Going back in time..

I'm in love and I'm very happy with my girlfriend. But, it's not my first relationship. I've dated girls before. Sometimes, I think about it. How am I here today? At this exact position in life. Feeling this exact emotion. It's all destiny I believe. Because, a year ago today, I wouldn't have imagined this day. I'm in a relationship. And everything seems perfect with her.

But, everything seemed perfect with my first girlfriend, and the second one too. The point is, what do we really want? I believe, we want to be happy. We need to be happy in the moment. I was happy with Snehal, I was happy with Michelle and I'm happy right now. So why do I feel like it was the wrong person before?

When people are happy, they believe everything before that moment wasn't good enough. But they're wrong. We should never hate something that made us happy in the past. I was more than happy with Snehal. But it was in the past. Today, I'm more than happy too. But that doesn't mean the past was wrong or sad. It just means I'm happy in the moment. It means I'm in peace with my past and I enjoy the moment. It means I have moved on and look forward to the future. It means I'm content and happy with what I have in the moment.

But still, there are a few questions which are unanswered. Because we can't ask anybody and because we don't want to answer it ourselves. Like everybody, I have imagined too. I have been confused too. I have been to so many beautiful places, I have enjoyed so many breathtaking views. And I realize that I have wasted all the opportunities while being in those beautiful places. I mean how many places have I ruined forever by being there with the wrong girl? I think a person has a certain allotment of beautiful places and breathtaking views per lifetime and I've used all mine up.

But as I grow older, and as my love gets mature day by day, I realize, that all those opportunities, all those breathtaking views with the wrong girls, don't count. Why? Because, a day comes when a girl walks into your life and it changes everything. She hits the reset button on your world, she makes everything new again, she makes it seem ridiculous that you ever considered settling. Every old place with her seems new, every breathtaking view you've witnessed before seems the first time, every feeling you get when she's in your arms, is delightful and heavenly.

That's love. It makes everything else seem less important. It makes you a new person. It gives you a new definition.

Without her..

It will be 3 years since we started dating. 3 years of love, care, fights, make ups and growing into each other. Its hard to believe but, in these three years, we've met just 4 or 5 times. Yet, we are going strong. Its the love in our hearts, the care for each other, the maturity and how we spend time when we are together. Its been more than a year since I met her. We are connected through texts. And when she comes to India, we talk on phone, but we hardly get time to meet due to our work commitments.

Even though we have met just a couple of times, we still love each other, trust each other and care for each other. This is my longest relationship yet. And the strongest. I am lucky to get her. And with every night that goes by without talking to her, I love her even more. And I know she feels the same way for me.

We've seen joys, sorrows, heartbreaks, deaths of family members and so many things. And we've stood together and strong through all this. Maybe the things we've been through together bind us strongly. Whatever it is, I am blessed to have her in my life.

I am sitting here, in my bedroom, writing this. And with every word that I type, I miss her more. My life comes to a stop when she goes away. Everything just pauses and my motivation, my senses come to a dead end. And I have to start all over again. When she comes back to India, I spring back to life. I start dreaming again. I just want her to be with me. I just want to be with her. All the time. Shes my sunshine.

I realise how lonely I am without her. Maybe I know that if she goes, my life will come to a dead end. I wont have enough motivation to go on with my life. I wont have happiness left. The spark that keeps me alive will just burn out. And she knows this. She keeps me motivated. I am very important for her and I am lucky that there is a person who loves and cares so much about me. Shes my angel.

My life would have been very different without her. She taught me the correct way of living. She taught me to stand up for myself. She taught me to respect others. Whatever I am, it is because of her. I owe it to her. My parents and her, are the people who are most important to me. These are the people, for whom, I can lay down my life. These are the people who love me a lot. And I am thankful to God for letting me have these people. I must have done something exceptionally good to get this.

I can go on and on about how I feel about her. But it can never be enough. I miss you baby. I want to be with you. Please come back soon.

I love you.

Do I wanna settle down ?

So, I have a good job, decent salary and everything else is pretty much figured out. My life is a routine. I live in another city with unknown people. This makes me think sometimes what if I was living with my family? I wouldn’t have to wash my dishes, I wouldn’t have to wash my clothes, and I wouldn’t have to think of paying bills every month.

Once while on the phone with my mom, she just said "You have a good job, so get married. Your wife will do all the house chores and take care of you while you work and earn". I was like "psss... please mom".

But the other day, when I came home from work, I went into the washroom. And I saw my handkerchief and socks lying in there, which I kept there last night to wash. I didn’t wash it. I forgot. This made me think about what my mom said to me. I didn’t believe I was really thinking about it.

Marriage. Do I really need it? So I started analyzing it with pros and cons.

Pros:

Someone to take care of me.

Someone to do all the house chores.

Someone waiting for me when I come home from work.

Someone to support me mentally.

Cons:

The girl whom I'd marry won’t be the love of my life. So I won’t be happy with her.

The girl wont be HER.

The girl won’t make me feel the way she did.

The girl wont be happy as I wont be happy making it worse for both of us.

So, I came to a conclusion. If I don’t marry a girl whom I love, it won’t work. I won’t be happy, she won’t be happy and it would mess up everything. So its better I stay unmarried.

Also, I don’t want to come home from work and see some unknown girl waiting for me. I want her to be in that place, which is most likely to remain a dream. But dreaming makes this world tolerable. Without dreams, we would die.

So after all this time, it’s still her. The love of my life. My world just won’t spin without her.

Finally got the tattoo

The moment I boarded the plane at Auckland International Airport on that night, to leave for Singapore, I realised I was in love with New Zealand. It's been 3 years now but the love is still strong. So strong that I even decided to get a tattoo showing my love for the country. I planned many times but couldn't get it. But finally, 8th January 2014, I got inked.

The map of New Zealand with Maori design patterns. I searched all possible designs, patterns and places to get the ink for the tattoo. Cause I knew this is very important. So when I finally figured out what design I wanted, I didn't wait long. I went down to the studio and got it done.

The pain was totally worth the result. I love my tattoo. It reminds me of the memories I had in New Zealand, the times I spent on the streets of Auckland, the long walk from St. Lukes mall to Western Springs, the waterfront, the baked potato of Wendy's and so many things which made my time in New Zealand beautiful.

I'm happy and proud of my new ink.

For her..

Talking to all my mates on chat suddenly brought back all those feelings. The feeling of love, friendship, excitement and joy. One thing I realized more than any other was about her. My first love.

Even now, after all these years, there’s still just this part of me where if there’s even the slightest chance something I do could make her smile, I don’t even think about it. I just do it.

I mean if she needed something and I can make that magically appear I would. I would open a vein in my arm if I could bleed that thing out just to make her happy. Because she is like sunshine. So pretty and wonderful. Seeing her sad is something I cannot live with. I cannot stand the idea of someone or something hurting her. I would do anything for her. I would be anything for her. Even if not being in her life would bring a smile on her pretty face, I would go away. I would rather see her happy from far, than be around her and make her sad.

After all this time..for her..always..

Still there..

Shyam created a group on whatsapp for our college mates. Garware, the best of the times. Endless nightouts, fun, projects and memories. Its been 3 years since we passed out. But it feels like yesterday when we were still putting project together to present it in the auditorium in the next 15 minutes. Life passes so fast. You dont even know it and things become memories.

Talking to everybody made me nostalgic (more than I already am). I shared a few pics with the guys. Everybody laughed, smiled, realised...that we have come a long way since those days. Things were so different back then. Everything was so simple. We had no worries of the future or money or parents. We just wanted to have fun. We were carefree. But now, its all gone. The times, the moments and the people. Everybody is far from each other. We cant meet even though we are in the same city. Life does that to us. We get jobs, we get busy, we are occupied with the new people in our life. We forget that we had something beautiful back then. We hardly try to keep up and preserve that.

Always sitting at the last table in Sai Garden, ordering the same mysore sada dosa, taking a rickshaw from university gate to the college (even thought its a 5 min walk), doing all the work on the last day of presentation. That was the life. And now its all work, office, targets, waking up everyday with no motivation and going back to sleep with a day wasted.

I pity myself and everybody that we had something so precious and we have lost it. But its life. We have to move on. One good thing is that, we are all still friends. Exes, friends and brothers. Everybody can still talk to each other. No grudges, no hatred, no running away.

Theres another thing which I realised. She will always be special to me. No matter how far we go, how much we move on in life, her one word is gonna weigh a million times more than other peoples sentences. She will always have that place in my heart, in me. Nobody can ever take that place. My first love. Those endless photos taken on my Sony Ericsson, those webcam photos with hundreds of poses (literally hundreds) and those nights where we slept in each others arms. Pure, wonderful and lovely. She will always be with me. In my memories, in my heart.

Im glad we all had a chat today. It was great seeing the guys. I miss all of them. I love them. They are the ones who made those two years beautiful. Without them, those two years would have been plain white, which are now colourful when I look back.

Regret

It happens sometimes. You miss a person when you listen to a particular song, or see a particular movie scene. Its happening to me. Quite often now. And I regret a few things. 

I never told her how much I love her. I never told her enough. I should have told her everyday. She was perfect everyday.

I thought God only knew what I'd be without her. But now, I know it too. And I feel it everyday. The pain and the agony of not having her here.

I miss her. A lot.

Saying goodbye

It hurts to say goodbye. It does. It feels like the heart is stretching to it's core and crying. Your heart says no, but your brain says yes. And deep down you know it's no choice really.

Mostly, in life, when you are saying goodbyes, you think you have a choice. But you don't. Theres no choice. You have to move on. 

If you really would have had a choice, then you wouldn't be in that situation where you have to choose. You are there because you chose it. We realize this later and we regret.

We regret for the rest of our lives. Because once you lose something, it's never the same thing which you get back. It never feels same, it never makes you smile the same way it did before. It's never the person or place or thing that you loved in the first place.

Saying goodbyes is an end to the story, almost every time. But sometimes, you can get it back. You can get that person back, you can go to that place you love, again. You can do that one thing you love, again. But do you think it will make you feel the same way? I don't know the answer to that one. Because I have never gotten things back that I have lost. I tried everything, but I never got them back. I cried, i tried, i lied, i fought, i prayed, i begged.. but in vain. 

I regret many of my decisions. I wish to overcome them one day by achieving the things again. Some of them are permanently gone while I still have a shot at others. I will do everything I can, give everything I have to achieve them. Because, deep down I know I love them. And these things, these aims keep me going. These things keep me alive, they keep me motivated. They help me to face this world each day.

Once you lose something you love, your soul dies. A little part of you dies everyday. It hurts and you can't tell anybody about this. Because you know they won't understand. So you keep it to yourself. And you hope that one day the pain will go. One day, you will start to live, again. One day you will be alive, more than you have ever been.

That day will come, only if you have hope in your heart. An aim is a goal if you have faith and efforts, or else, it's just a wish. Keep fighting, keep believing, keep hoping.

Battling memories

Thinking about nz all the time. I do nothing but just think about the times, good and bad, i spent there. It makes me want to go back. I miss nz every second of my life. Nobody realizes this, except Akshay, my best friend. He's going through same thing.

Every morning i wake up with regret that i came back to India. Why did i do that? That was the worst decision of my life. I dont know how am i gonna make it up. But i wanna go back. I wanna live the dream. I gotta see my beloved NZ land again. And this time for life. 

Im in such a situation that i would do anything and give anything to go back. Each day a little part of me dies. No matter where i go, what i do, that guilt is always there, reminding me of the truth. The truth that im not in nz. The truth that im not happy. The truth that im dying a little each day.

Work life and me

Hello there.

I didnt get much time to blog in past few weeks. I just started working at this new firm. I had to go to Gurgaon for training and orientation purposes. So, this new firm where I work is Flight Shop. It is an Oz based company. It is a part of Flight Centre Ltd., world's largest travel company. Its the dream. I thank God for making this happen.


So, joining this company has some effects. Good and bad (maybe good). I am a New Zealand lover or you can say I consider NZ as my home. NZ is my love. I first came in contact with Flight Centre  when I was in NZ. Now that I am working in the same company in India, it reminds me of my NZ days. 

I came back to India for a reason. I had to come. And for some reasons, I couldnt go back. And since then I always regret coming back. I always miss NZ. I always miss my home. Working here was my dream. And Im living my dream.

Now, good things about working in this company - 

• The dream
• Chances of getting a job/transfer to the countries I want to go
• Benifits
• Awesome company

Bad (maybe good) things about working in this company - 

• Makes me nostalgic
• Makes me miss NZ
• Makes me sad and regret the fact I came here

Actually, the points in the "Bad"  section may be good in some ways. These points are like my motivators. These things make me work hard and try to reach my aim.

Well, things are going good here. I am trying my best and hopefully, I will grow with my store's growth and company's growth.

Advice - Always do what you love, if you havent found it yet, dont settle. Keep looking.

God bless you all. Peace.

Lost my belief.

I stopped believing. Not in some depressed I'm-gonna-cry-during-my-blogwriting way. Not in a way I even noticed until tonight. It's just, every day I think I... believe a little less, and a little less, and a little less, and that sucks.

Its not as bad as it seems

So I was watching HIMYM, as usual. It was around 1 am.

The purest of thoughts come to you at night, when theres no disturbance around. 

So Im watching this episode and Robin is behaving like a total slut. Shes sleeping with almost everybody, everyday. I was in love with Robin since the beginning of the series. But after seeing such behaviour, I started hating her. A different image of her started to take shape in my mind. A bad one. And I was sad that this is happening.

But then I realised, its just a show. I mean, in real life, she is not sleeping around with everybody around her. And suddenly a smile surfaced on my lips and I was happy. I fell in love with Robin Scherbatsky. But if I ever get a chance to date her, Im gonna date Cobie Smulders, not Robin Scherbatsky. How awesome is that?!

It felt good and I was relaxed. The night was good. And I woke up happy!

Learning lessons from HIMYM

Okay, the episodes are getting sad day by day. Im not saying theyre boring. Actually, things arent going the way I want them to.

Ted is dating Stella. They are getting married. Barney and Robin madeout. Barney is falling in love with Robin. Why? I dont know why is this happening. I have  gotten a lot into HIMYM. It is the second thing to which Im most attached to, after Harry Potter. It may get that number one spot too.

Im way too attached to HIMYM. I have fallen into it since the first episode itself. I totally related myself to Ted. A sweet guy working in a firm and living with his best friend. Ironically that best friend of mine is dating a girl since college. Its been about 5 years. So they are Marshal & Lilly. They insist to argue over this though. Only thing, I never related anybody with Robin. Or did I? 

Monica (name changed), my first girlfriend. I related her to Robin. She was sweet, sexy and totally cute. We broke up after about 2 years of dating. So thats like Robin and Ted. But I cant relate Robin to Monica everytime. Only sometimes, it feels like it. 

Also, I dont relate anyone with Barney, except myself. Yes. I relate myself to both Ted & Barney. I have got this multiple personality thing. One is Jatin. And the other one is Jettiemeister. 

Jatin wants a girlfriend, wants to get married, have kids, drop em off to their football practice. But Jettiemeister, he wants to have fun, one night stands and no commitment/ relationships. Sometimes Im Jatin but sometimes Im Jettiemeister.

I wonder, is HIMYM really life teaching? Well I think yes. Robin and Ted dated. Then they broke up. Me and Monica dated. Then we broke up. 

But Barney starts to fall in love with Robin. And my bestfriend ie Marshall told me that Robin and Barney marry each other in the later season. So that means, Robin (the girl of my dreams) is going to end up with the bad guy (Barney). Here, Robin is going to end up with Jettiemeister. Im sad she didnt end up with Ted (or Jatin as I relate him to). But Jettiemeister is also me. Jettiemeister is getting the girl.

Jettiemeister is slowly turning into Jatin.

Its all good as the girl is ending up with me. But theres only one problem. I have this thing stuck in my head that Robin belongs to Ted (Jatin). So, even if Im the Jettiemeister and I get the girl, Im sad. Because I wanna win that girl as Jatin, not Jettiemeister.

I know its confusing. But it has answered a few questions. It has taught me a little meaning of life, destiny and love. I hope to have some lovely episodes ahead.

Keep loving. Stay blessed. And be just like me, thats awe...wait for it..some ! Be awesome!

Effect of Slapsgiving episode of HIMYM

Hello everybody,

I went for shopping today. It was good. I came back in the evening, had tea and as usual started with the episode of HIMYM.

It was the Slapsgiving episode. Marshal and Lilly host a Thanksgiving dinner with Ted, Barney, Robin and Robin's date Bob. The night before, everybody plan to meet up at Robin's for baking pies. Ted arrives around 9:30 and everybody had already left. So it was just Ted and Robin. Together, alone.

Its awkward for both of them. They have absolutely nothing to say or talk. But being friends with your ex is awkward. So they start talking and within no time they hit an arguement. So Ted decides to leave and then they say sorry to each other and hug. But that hug was the start of a romantic night. They makeout. Now without discussing it, Ted leaves for home and Robin goes into the kitchen. Next day, they try to talk it out and reach on a conclusion that they cant be friends.

Now the point of me telling you this story is simple. I went through the same situation. And watching this episode has reminded me of my girlfriend Monica (changed the name). Monica and I dated for a long time. Years. She is my first love. We were in college when we met and then after I went abroad, we broke up. Long distance relationship, sigh. So after watching this episode I realised that it so much resembles Monica and my relationship. Youre dating then you break up and you try to avoid each other everytime.

So, in the end while having dinner, Robin and Ted say something together. They did that when they were a couple. Suddenly they realise that they arent done with each other. I wonder if me and Monica are done with each other? We talked, we met but it was all awkward. What if we are in a situation together, alone? What would happen? I dont know. But theres a big question mark in front of me right now. Are we really done with each other? Or is there any spark still left? If yes, then shall it sparkle again or be watered upon to destroy it completely?

Sometimes, such things make you realise what you need, what youre missing and what needs to be done. I dont know what needs to be done. But one thing is for sure, I wanna spend a moment with Monica, together, alone. And see what happens. You never know !

Stay blessed everybody.

Emotional breakdown from HIMYM

Ok so I just finished watching season 2. Episode 22 Something Blue is the final episode. And it has destroyed me emotionally. Im going through a breakdown. I cant beleieve it. Robin isnt the mother of Ted's kids.

Yes. I just cant absorb this thought. Ted is telling the story to his kids. And he says.. "She did went to live in Argentina, greece and Japan for a little time and I was here where I met your mom." OMG why? That line just broke my heart. I cant even stand the thought of that.

Earlier in the episode, Ted and Robin are sitting comfy on the sofa at Robin's apartment. And Robin says, you stole the blue horn for me. And to that Ted replies, I would steal the whole orchestra for you. And then they kiss and makeout. After such a romantic scene how can you breakup? C'mon director, Im not gonna forgive you for this.

Theres only one person to whom Robin belongs. And that person is Ted. I think they should get married in real life as well.  I just realised Im actually shipping them. How cool is that?!

Anyways it was a day of all bad news. In the afternoon, my bestfriend, Vikas (an asshole for telling me this), told me that Robin and Barney marry each other in the future season. WHAT THE FUCK?

What the actual fuck? First thing, how can the director or the writer whoever it is, break up Ted and Robin. Second thing, how can they marry Robin and Barney? *claws the pillow besides me*

Third thing, how can Robin not be the mother of Ted's kids?

Disappointed.

Effects of watching How I Met Your Mother

So I have been watching How I Met Your Mother or HIMYM as Im gonna say it henceforth.

I have finished watching season 1. It makes me realise so many things. Things that are important. Its like a teacher in some ways.

First thing it made me think about is girlfriend. I want a girlfriend. Robin is so cute and hot and sexy. Plus Ted and Robin are the cutest ever. I had my Robin. But we broke up, yeah. It was 3 years ago. And Im not gonna blog about her. Its not about the past, its about the future.

So, it makes me want to have a girlfriend. This world is a difficult place to live in. You need someone to be by your side, someone to face this world with. I have had my chances. I have had my Robin. But will I get anymore chances? Atleast one more chance? I dont know. But I hope I would. 

The feeling is great. I wanna be a couple again. I wanna be awesome. I wanna be Ted and I want my Robin. And I dont wanna waste time. Im 22 and Im single. God, whats wrong with me? I should be dating. This is the time. I dont wanna be an old man, filled with regret, waiting to die alone. I wanna get married, have kids, drop em off at football practice. Then have some coffee with my wife while our kids are getting ready to be Liverpool FC fans. Its dreamy I know but its what I want. And HIMYM has just reminded me of that. I have always had this dream. 

So, here I am, sitting in my office. Waiting for something to happen. Someone to come. Someone to want me. Because Im tired of being alone. I want to be a shoulder for that someone to cry on. I want to be her go-to guy for all her good and bad news. I want to be there for her. I want.. All this. 

First day at the University

It was the ending of summer of 2008. Monsoon was just outside the door. I enrolled at the university for tourism studies. It was my first time in Mumbai, the city of dreams. I was a little nervous, but a little excited too. It didnt take much time for the city to cover me in its shine.

First day of college, I was sitting on the chair just outside the class, awaiting others. I wasnt nervous then. A guy was sitting next to me. Brown t-shirt and one sided hairs, just like me. He came from vasai. I asked him where he lived. And I told him about me. He was a little surprised as I came from the farthest place to college. His name, Snedan. We would become best friends. And even today, we are best friends. Touchwood. *touches wood under the office desk*.

That was the only scene I remember from the first day of college.