10 flights, no one to say goodbye

10 flights. I’m on a trip and this is my 8^th flight. 2 more to go. And 12 cities in 6 countries on three continents. I’ve been traveling intensely for the past three weeks. And it took me 8 flights, to finally write this. I’ve always known this. But ignored it. I thought it’s okay. I thought the time will come. I thought and thought. But it is still the same. And it has been like this for so long that somewhere my conscious has accepted this. Accepted the story that my heart keeps telling me. That I’m alone. I feel alone. Not in a literal way, but in an emotional way. In a way that I can understand it but cannot explain it. In a way that I can feel it, but cannot express it. And this scares me. The fact that sometimes my heart accepts that I am alone, it scares me. It takes away my hopes. And hopes are really important to me. Because I’ve always been a loner. Never really part of a group. I’ve had friends but never really for lifetime. I’ve always been on my own, in my own way.

I see people. I see the love around. And airports are the best place to feel it. You see people hugging their loved ones. I walk through the terminal gate and see a couple kissing each other goodbye. And I ask myself, “why is there no one to say goodbye to me?”. I see people walking to the boarding gate holding hands and think to myself, “why am I walking alone?”. It kills me. But what do I do? Who do I tell this to? So I walk alone and go to my seat. Maybe that’s why I always take the window seat. At least I have the sky and the clouds to accompany me on my journeys.

I have been in love. And it was beautiful. But maybe just bad timing. Heartbreaks and heart breakings. Been through all of that. But where’s the real thing. The thing where you have someone. Beyond a girlfriend or a relationship. Being a partner in life. People who live together with their first love are the ones I pity. They haven’t experienced heartbreak. Or maybe they have and chose to stay with it.

Loving, losing and moving on. That is something. And that is something I’ve been through more than once. Now I want something real. But even though I feel the need to want something real, somewhere in my heart, it feels a little different. It feels like I should have the exact opposite of real. Something casual and limited. And then move on to the next. There have been chapters in my life. Where is the book?

This conflict between the heart and the head is what keeps me at the same place. I cannot move ahead and I cannot go back. I haven’t had a satisfying relationship, ever. The first one, the best and the worst. Because it teaches you love and also hate and jealousy. And you experience heartbreak for the first time. Heartbreak, is the opposite of virginity. You cannot lose virginity again, but you can experience heartbreak again and again, until you decide that’s it. Until you give yourself a chance, and not others. Until you decide to be happy, even if that means being alone. Until you accept that you’re as important to your happiness as the person you seek. The second relationship was complicated. It lasted longer but died a long waiting death where the love slowly and gradually emptied itself from our hearts and there was nothing left to feel for each other. The third one was a rebound from the last two. I just wanted to be in a relationship. I was desperate to be with someone. And I mistook that feeling for a person. This is where I was on the other end of the stick. I was the heart breaker. And I’m not sure if I can ever forget that. I’m not proud of it. I am ashamed of myself. Maybe time will take it away. This one was the truest relationship. Two mature and understanding people being together. Handling situations together. But when the desperation of being with someone is gone, you realize the love is gone too. It’s a difficult fact. Nevertheless, one has to accept it.

Back to the flights and my trip. Traveling alone. Meeting new people. And trying to find love. Whenever I meet someone, I feel this is it. Anybody who shows the slightest of openness towards me, I start feeling this is it. Because I haven’t been loved a lot, and I crave that affection. Maybe also because I need that something real I talked about earlier. Maybe I am a good person, a loving person, but I am not able to show it to others. First impressions are not the last impressions. I cannot show my complete true self during the first chat. I need time, I need a chance at my own pace to show the person I truly am. And I am afraid that people will judge me by the first impression of me. And I’m afraid that they won’t see my true self, and they won’t love me. And I’ll be alone forever.

So I write. It makes me feel better. To get my feelings out on the paper or write them on my laptop. It releases some tension. Never completely, but a little. And I keep hoping. Hoping that someday I will be at the place where I’ve always wanted to be. Hoping that someday I will have someone and be content with it. Hoping that someday I will have someone who will appreciate me and appreciate the way I appreciate her. I am crazy in my own way. And I hope she understands it. And I hope that I don’t always have the sky and the clouds to accompany me on flights, but someone by my side who will hold my hand as we board the plane, who will kiss me goodbye and shed a tear when I go away for work, who will hug me when I return and who will be happy and content with me.

There must be a world where I have her. Where my heart beats faster every time she hugs me. Where the sun rises from her eyes and the moon shines in her face. I don’t know where this world is. I don’t know if it even exists. A world where I feel happy. A world where I don’t have enough reasons to be sad. A world where my life is not so upset with me.

And when I find that world and when I find her, I will make ends meets for her, I will give my everything and more to make her happy. Because I know how it feels being discontent, being unhappy, being hollow. I will do all I can.

Maybe you don’t need just love. You need companionship. You need friendship. You just need a person to walk with you. And that’s enough to take that hollow feeling away. To take the emptiness away. And I will not give up on that dream. I will keep hoping. And I will keep looking. I will.