Depression and anxiety

There are some things that you can't talk about and that you can't explain. People wont understand. You feel that. But mostly, people who don’t have it, wont get it. Depression and anxiety. I feel I belong with these, even though they are not good. I have lived my life with these and now it feels like it is a part of me, a part of who I am. And without it, I cant imagine a life. I can never talk about it to anyone. But I want people to understand. Not people, but a few people who are very close to me. And what happens when even the people close to you don’t understand? You get more depressed. There is nothing in the world that can heal the feeling, that can make it better. I cant hate the person but I will never forgive and forget what that person did. It is not that person’s fault, but that person should have thought about it before doing it. It is irreparable. And that’s what hurts more. Nothing can make me feel the way I used to feel before. Everything has changed.

I feel hollow and empty. I want to be away from everyone. Be alone. No questions asked or answered. But the hard part is – I want to answer the questions, but I cant. I want to forget it, but I cant. I want things to get better, but I cant. There are so many things burdening me. But this one thing will always carry the most weight. And it will weigh me down every second of my life. I feel violated and traumatized. I want that thing, but I cant. What do you do then? You keep it to yourself because you're convinced no one would understand. And you're right most of the times. You keep it all in and it gets heavier every second every day. But you suffer and you suffer in silence. Maybe that's the only way to live. You hurt yourself by not letting anyone help you. You keep doing it. And you don't even hope that things would get better.

Marriages in India

Even in today's world, people think of others when it comes to marriage of their children or relatives. What other people will think is more important than where the happiness of the couple lies. People will call us names if you marry that guy, people will make fun of you if you marry that girl. These are the sort of things my generation hears from their parents – sad reality. We are in the 21^st century for Christ's sake. Every other page on the internet has photos and quotes about how you should love yourself, how you should do what makes you happy, but all of that is just first class bullshit. Who follows that anyway? I want to marry a girl who doesn’t have the same social position as me, but I cant. Why? – Because people will call me names. I want to marry a guy who is not an engineer, but I cant. Why? – Because there are other guys who have an engineering degree ready to marry you, then why would you marry someone who isn’t an engineer?

When will we leave these old thinking behind and truly live in the 21st century?

The Dublin Connection

I woke up at 7.30 am. The alarm was supposed to go off at 8.45 am. But I couldn’t wait till then. I woke up about 5 times in sleep. Maybe I didn’t want the morning to arrive. I wasn’t fascinated by Dublin earlier. But on the day of leaving, I realized there was some affection that grew for the city. I now love Dublin, even though it isn’t mine, the way something has to be, a street, a house, something that belongs to me because I belong to it.

I couldn’t sleep, so I woke up. Time was passing even though I wanted it to stop. I took a shower, for 45 mins, thinking about life. I got ready and went to the café downstairs to have my last breakfast in Dublin. I packed my bags, put on my jacket and stood near the door. But I didn’t want to leave. I stared at the door for about 5 seconds before stepping out.

Why was this happening? Two days ago I was thinking of leaving early, but today, I feel I should stay more. Maybe because I am alone. Ive been traveling alone for about two weeks now and whenever I have to leave a city for another, I get this exact feeling. A feeling of hollowness, sadness. But for Dublin, it just wasn’t this. It was for her, too. Id like to refer to her as a friend (now that we’ve had coffee and a nice conversation). We studied together in high school. But never spoke. We never interacted on social media too (I know that’s hard to believe). And we met each other after 9 years, better to say, we saw each other after 9 years. Long story short, we met up for a cup of coffee. I’ll write the detailed story later.

It’s awkward when two people who haven’t spoken to each other ever, meet for the first time. But not here. We were pretty comfortable. Although I was a bit nervous. I’m like that. Id get nervous even if I am meeting someone for second or third time. Maybe the pre meeting Facebook chat helped to reduce the awkwardness. We decided to meet at the Spire. It is an iconic structure in the city of Dublin. A high pole, nothing else. But its iconic. We both reached there at 5 pm. As I crossed the street to stand under the Spire, I saw her walking. 

Earphones tucked in and a bag on the shoulder.

Hey, I walked up to her and said.

She looked towards me and smiled. Hey, she replied. She put out her hand to shake mine. My hands were buried in the pockets of my jacket. Took me about 2 seconds to get them out. I finally shook her hands.

Not much eye contact. Maybe the nervousness torrents in me were acting up.

Kuthe jauya apan? I asked her. I spoke in Marathi. I don’t know why but I did. We were in a foreign country, and I guess it made a certain connection, to talk in our mother tongue.

O’briens, ithe javalach ahe, she said leading the way.

We walked to the café and got our drinks. She didn’t let me pay. I wanted to, but she didn’t let me. We took seats. And the conversation started. We spoke about high school, jobs, Ireland, India, family etc. Time was flying. We also discussed about writing. I had told her about my blog and books and she wanted to see a few pieces. Apparently, she liked reading my blog.

Kaahik sentences like “she hit the reset button” mala avadle, she said as she kept reading.

I just smiled to myself.

I looked at her. Her eyes – gray and sharp. They could kill. Her long and lovely face complimented her height. Her name, Surashree, which means divine beauty, couldn’t have been more apt. She did make me nostalgic a bit. I mean it was 9 years back when I had last seen her.  And that was in high school. So, the only memory I had of her was high school.

We had our coffee and talked more. I hardly speak to anyone so openly. And whoever opens up to me, I automatically feel connected towards them. We sat there till the shopping centre janitor came to us and told that they are closing. It was 7 pm! In Mumbai, we start things at 7 pm. Dublin, what a pity!

So, we packed and left the shopping centre. I wanted to buy some chocolates. So she suggested a visit to Lidl. We headed towards Lidl, which was just a 5 minute walk. There weren’t much options there, so I just picked up 2 packs of whiskey chocolates. It was now time to say goodbye. We walked out of the store, looked at each other and said “Nice to meet you”.

Let me take a photo, I said. And I clicked a pic of us.

Selfie mazya phone madhe ghete, she said and took out her phone. I was looking at the screen instead of looking at the camera.

Camera kade bagh, she directed me. I did.

She took a few pics.

You have to go this way, she directed me toward my hostel. We shook hands and hugged.

Goodbye and good luck with your job search, I said.

Thanks, she replied. Keep in touch.

We walked in opposite directions.

As I walked back to my hostel, I thought of the 9 years. We studied together, but never spoke. We both lived in Pune at one of time, but never met. We met here in Ireland, thousands of miles away from home. It was funny, but I was glad we met. And I hoped she was too.

During this trip, I am away from my family and friends. Sometimes I feel alone. Mostly when I am not around people. I felt this in Dublin. But she changed it. Dublin was just a city for me. But now, it’s a place where Surashree lives. Talking about high school, jobs and some common situations we both faced, helped us to relate to each other. She understood my position because she was going through similar circumstances.

We think we could be happy alone. But out heart constantly craves for attention. I always though I’d be better off alone. But whenever someone shows tiniest but of affection towards me, I feel connected. After traveling for so long alone, this was the moment. I realized, the reason I didn’t want to leave Dublin was this. In a foreign country with no known people, I met her. That connection eventually made me realize why I felt connected to Dublin.

Not everything is in our hands. So, I headed out from my hostel and towards the airport. I walked past security without a problem. I don’t know why but I always feel I will be questioned. I waited at the departure gate to board my flight. I bought orange juice, I just can’t resist orange juice. I love it.

As the plane pushed back, I suddenly touched reality. I was leaving Dublin. And I had no idea if I would ever come back. The city was going away and I couldn’t hold on to it. Maybe that’s what life is. You have something. But when its time, you have to let go of it. I didn’t want to let go, but I had no option really. As my plane pushed away from the surface, the city started disappearing under the white Irish clouds. I could feel heaviness in my heart. I felt hollow and heavy at the same time. The land below me disappeared as I searched for last glimpse of the city. Eventually, I was above a thick layer of clouds. That was it. I had left Dublin behind. But it will have a special place in my heart. Dublin – the city of Liffey, the city of Guinness & the city of Surashree.

Coming back after two years

My last post was in April 2014 I think. That's 2 years back. But I am back here writing a post. There's only one reason why I would start writing (after a big break) - love. Lot of things happened between my last post and today. A lot of things.

I read a lot of books. That's why I couldn't write much. I fell in love, again. And this time, hard. And today, as I'm writing this post, I can feel all of the world's emotions and hollow at the same time. I have become silent. I was always silent, but now more than ever. I hardly talk to anyone. Not even my parents. I'm out of home most of the time. I leave home at 7 and return at 10 at night. By the time I come back home, I am emotionally and physically drained and tired to talk to anyone. Emotions in me have started dying slowly each day. Slowly and slowly, I feel less emotions every day. And I'm not complaining.

So coming back to the reason I'm writing this post. She's like sunshine. I love her, a lot. And today, we are on the verge of a break up. We have said some things to each other - hurtful I guess. And we are both offended. I am sorry for this and I feel very bad. She's offended, and hurt. And I'm the reason for this. I never wanted to be the reason for her pain. She said she doesn't want to talk to me. And wont even meet me. I don't know what to do. I apologized. But she's too hurt to listen. I feel like a part of me is paralyzed. I have been feeling low past few days, but now more than ever. I feel hollow. I don't want to live without her. I love her so much. I need her. I know these the most cliché things to say, but I don't know what else to say. I hope she accepts my apology.

It all started a few months ago. I saw her for the first time and she walked right past me like I am crowd and she's a skyscraper. Her eyes scanning the crowd and coming on to me. I cant forget the moment where our eyes found each other and then disappeared in to the crowd again.

She looks both ways before gently whispering I love you to me under her breath. And when she hugs me, her eyes scan the empty room as if the walls have eyes and the ears and mouth could give me away.

When I'm curled up in her arms with mismatched breaths, I wonder how can someone who carries a mountain on his shoulders could crumble so easily in her arms.

During dark, she'll run her fingers over my fingers like she's trying to read words carved on my skin.

I'll stare God right in the eye and tell him that if loving her was a sin then I want no place in heaven with Him because the way her lips fit perfectly on mine and the way her fingers fit perfectly in mine is a type of paradise I'll never forget.